emotionallandmines

Well last weekend I attended a dear friend’s wedding.  It started over an hour later.  And why?  Was a member of the bridal party late? No.  Was the bride late? No.  The groom?  No.  It was because they were awaiting the arrival of family members!  I was sick, feeling dizzy but I knew that had I skipped the wedding and reception I’d be damned until the day I died.  I had a temperature, a cranky 2 yr old and several people who were trying to talk me into attending the Reception.  Attend the Reception?  As sick as I was, I’m fortunate I did not barf on my friend’s wedding gown when I joined the receiving line for those NOT attending the Reception.  She was surprised to see me in that line but I gave her a quick “air” kiss on the cheek and explained tersely that I was not going to be able to attend due to severe illness.  I barely made it home even though I lived directly around the corner from where the Ceremony was held.  For the next three days I couldn’t keep anything down.  I was informed that the Filet Mignon was not all that hot (it was served cold and pink)….and I could not help but appreciate the irony.  My first time having Filet Mignon and I have to skip it.  Why do I bring this up?  I almost stepped on a HUGE emotional landmine.  This is a rather close friend.  We have shared intimate secrets.  Had I been a harder hearted person I would have stayed home and in bed like I wanted to in the first place.  But to show moral support and love on one of the most important days of her life, I attended…despite being green around the gills and pale as a sheet of paper (or at least I felt like I was).  

I detest weddings.  But I have attended a few in my time because I knew to blow them off would have been an offense punishable by worse than death….Bridal showers?  Loathe them.  All the immature, ribald comments.  I feel like I am sitting amongst a bunch of pre-teens who have a filched copy of Hustler, Playboy or Jugs and are giggling and making comments that demote the female anatomy to a piece of meat.  It feels about the same to me.  I’d just as soon skip it.  But I went…not to BOTH of them thankfully.  Plus the second one had kids…..Note for future reference ladies….PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave the kids home when attending a Bridal Shower…..The noise, screaming, running around, knocking stuff down, spilling stuff and whining is enough to send a sane woman off the DEEP END, and I suffer from SEVERE anxiety and panic disorder.  Translated: crowds, bright light, noise, small spaces set me off……It was all of those things and the screaming and shrieking certainly didn’t help.  Had I not been on psych meds I would have stopped off on the way home and purchased  2 boxes of White Zinfaldel or the Blush and kept going until they were done.  I left with a migraine, ears ringing and soaking wet (it was pouring down rain to the point where you wondered where Noah’s Ark was and I had no umbrella and was too busy trying to shield my  2 yr old who was NOT one of the banshees by the way).

So let’s review.  Unless you are the first living human heart transplant donor (something I’ve been accused of more than once) you are going to find yourself in a situation where you have to attend something you’d rather walk over hot coals than partake of.  In several cases I think many find that booze helps.  Unfortunately that wasn’t an option for me.  Options: Send a really NICE gift and a note of apology.  If your friendship is as strong as you HOPE it is, they will be angry for a while but eventually get over it.  There are plenty more days to enjoy each other’s company and such like treating them to a girl’s day out including manicure, pedicure, mud treatment, masque and massage.  Or….lunch at a nice, scenic restaurant.  Or a nice giftcard to an expensive store for a housewarming present accompanied by a heartfelt apology.  

Baby showers……Ladies, I know at some point in your life you’ve seen an ugly baby.  (and don’t give me that complete rot and tripe about there is no such thing — mother gorillas think their babies are adorable too!)  And then comes the dreading question isn’t (he/she) beautiful?  Hmmmm…am I honest or do I placate the mother?  Oh what the heck…..”It’s definitely a baby.”  Yeah I know….but it beats did it come out before it was done (yes it sounds like you are talking about something you were baking in the oven) but it was the best I could do on such short notice.  Once again, if it’s a dear friend you’d better have a helluva reason for not attending but you’d also better make up for it or once again you are The Unforgiven.  For my last baby they help TWO showers for me.  One was all family members and the other was friends.  Thankfully no one brought babies to either……..both groups knew me well enough to know that I am very blunt and being pregnant, uncomfortable and almost in my 9th month made me even more so…..LOL

What did we learn today?  Don’t blow off social events when a close family friend or even relative is counting on your attendance unless you have a helluva good reason and are going to majorly make up for it later.  Whew! It was a relief to avoid the landmines.  I hooked her up on the bridal shower gear and considering how sick I was, it was a gift for me to be present when I was about to pass out.  No bad feelings, no ill will.  I avoided the mindfield.  Let’s hope I never get married and have to be on the other end of that……

We all know them. It’s the friend who always seems to have something negative to say about whatever events happen in our lives. The relative that always swears you will be an “old maid sitting on the porch in a rocking chair with tons of cats because let’s face when women reach your age good men don’t exactly grow on trees or fall out of the sky, do they?” The controlling and manipulative significant other, that throws the adult version of a tantrum when you are doing something or saying something that is against what they believe is the ‘proper’ way.

You know the type. You’re having a conversation and you notice right away the focus seems to always be on them and you think to yourself “um hey, can I be something other than a fan here?” Their way is always better than anyone else’s. If you offer an opposing viewpoint you are verbally attacked and castigated. And yet they can’t understand why their relationships always seem to be dyfunctional.

Then there is the Perpetual Boy. He is old enough to be a man, but just having a pair of testicles and a penis or reaching a certain age are not what makes him a man. It is what his actions and choices are that identify him as a mature man or a grown boy. I don’t know about other women out there but I don’t buy into the raising a grown man bit. In fact I would go a step further and say “don’t step up if you can’t keep up.”

There is the Overly Critical Mother. No matter what triumphs you may enjoy during your life, she will manage to put a negative spin on it. You say: Hey! I lost 10 lbs! She says: Oh, just 10? You’ve got a long way to go then. You say: I met a nice man today and we are going to start going out. She says: If he likes YOU, he needs to have his head examine. You say: I’m looking for another job and have some great leads I came across. She says: That’s what is wrong with young people these days, everything is about convenience, what about fortituted and endurance? So it never fails no matter what you say, she is gonna attempt to shoot you down in flames. This is loving or emotionally healthy? No. If you aren’t strong enough you may have no self-esteem whatsoever and have all kinds of insecurities and second-guess yourself on life changing decisions…in other words an emotional basket-case.

There is the Overly Protective/Overly Attached Mother. This impacts both men and women. No woman is good enough for her son. She insists on cooking for him even after he is married or has moved into his own place. In the case of her daughter, she may cause her to doubt her own ability to make decisions. Bottom line is this: she needs to cut the umbilical cord! It’s unhealthy to be overly involved yourself in your child’s life. They can only reach a healthy emotional adulthood through learning from their own decisions and mistakes. If you circumvent this process you cripple them. Plain and simple.

The Parasite. Male or Female we have all at one point or another come across them. They drain you emotionally because you are the only one investing anything into the relationship. They are taking from you but giving nothing back. More than likely they will attempt to isolate you from family and friends, in other words your loved ones who can perhaps open your eyes to the true nature of this unhealthy relationship. They will talk a good game at first but after extended time in their company you begin to realize it was just talk. Depending upon how good an actor they are, you may stay in a relationship with this person long enough to have extensive damage done to your financial situation. And then they are out of your life, treating you the same as they would a used Kleenex and feeling no sense of remorse or shame whatsoever. I met just such an individual, and by exercising due diligence I discovered there were many before me and after me. I was one of the lucky ones. I had a good support system in the form of close-knit ties with my family and I also had 2 very good reasons for getting rid of him: my daughters. The not quite 2 year old he fathered while in the illegal marriage with me (yep bigamy) and we lived together as man and wife for a year. The best thing I can tell you is don’t ignore the signs. Particularly with women that gut feeling telling you something isn’t right and don’t trust them? LISTEN TO IT! It could literally save your life. It did for the girls and I. (As we speak I’m involved in an almost 2 year old legal battle to get this person locked up in prison,where they belong so that no other women and children out there are ever harmed again by him…..

The bottom line is this: relationships that focus on the negative and not the positive are poisonous. Whether it is a friend, relative, boss, co-worker, or someone we are involved in a romantic relationship with it simply isn’t healthy. Once you’ve had the scales removed from your eyes and realize the true nature of this relationship you have some decisions to make. First a series of questions helps to point us in the right direction: What are the pros of discontinuing this relationship, professionally or personally? What are the cons? If for example you have a personal relationship with someone you work with or worse still someone who holds a higher position than you at your place of employment this could mean professional suicide? Of course the fact that at the outset the maxim about not mixing business and pleasure never crossed your mind or that this was extremely ill-advised obviously never crossed your mind, although it should have! A distant relative you can limit your visits and communication with but only after you’ve addressed the issue head-on and seen that this person is still continuing on in the same vein. I haven’t returned to visit a relative I have in Alabama since I left there in 1998 because of her negativity and nasty comments. As for the friend as the old saying goes people come into your life for a reason, a season and a time. You may not know until the end which category they fall into. After you make them aware of how you feel if they continue on in the same vein, they are manifesting a selfish and unloving attitude. Life’s too short to be dragged down by the negativity of others. If they can’t or more importantly WON’T get their act together cut ‘em loose! And good riddance to bad rubbish.

We all have character flaws and things or ways about us that get on our loved ones nerves. But the nice thing about love is that it overlooks those things that irritate to the positive, attractive and appealing qualities. It takes an incredible amount of strength to tear oneself free of a poisonous relationship particularly one of long-standing. However you cannot be truly happy while remaining in that situation. It’s like a plant that doesn’t have sunlight and water — it can’t thrive and grow. In like manner, that poisonous relationship can prevent you from reaching your full potential or settling down with a good mate because instead of positive reinforcement and constructive criticism, you are getting a steady diet of derision, disdain and doubt.

So what can you look for to avoid them?
They can never be happy for anything good that happens in your life but have to say something negative.
You’re not happy in the relationship: it makes you feel tired and drained, rather than invigorated and appreciated. (and yes this even applies to professional relationships….a job that maybe doesn’t pay the best but allows you to be creative and appreciated can be more fulfilling and bring more joy than a huge salary where you are treated like a fixture….)
Beware of anyone who always says it’s always the other person’s fault their relationship didn’t work….they are not taking any accountability for their actions and should send up a huge red flag.

We’ve all seen them.  They’ve been a couple forever it seems, to the point where invitations for special events come to both of them.  But yet she seems resigned to the fact that they are going to date forever.  Why do we stay in relationships that have long since become stagnant and aren’t living up to our emotional or physical needs?  The answer is familiarity.  There is nothing more daunting than the thought of starting all over again with the meet-and-greet process after being in a long term relationship.  Yeah we are always gonna have well-meaning family members and friends reminding us that we “aren’t getting any younger” and that good men are hard to find.  Gee, tell us something we don’t already know.  Like how to get the courage to sever ties with someone who has now become a different person from the one we first knew and fell in love with.  Like how to communicate that our needs have changed or that we’ve grown apart and no longer feel connected.   Is there any easy way to tell someone goodbye when you’ve been together for a long time and have so many shared good times to reflect back upon?  No there isn’t.  It takes a courage that many of us don’t have.  And so we stay.  And grow increasingly dissatisfied and miserable.  But we don’t say anything because we are afraid of starting over with someone new.  Or perhaps we have not reached that point where we’ve had enough yet.  Sometimes it takes an extreme situation to shock us out of our complacency, our despondency, our boredom, our resignation.  And once that catalyst has been reached we are finally ready to leave.

But now we face another dilemma.  For the first time in goodness knows how long, we are no longer part of a couple.  Perhaps our identity was strongly tied into that relationship.  Your friends may be cheering you on for finally parting company, but now you feel lost, adrift and unsure of yourself.  This is a very critical and vulnerable time because you may be tempted to call your ex up and say you made a mistake and want to go back to them.  DON’T DO IT!!  Remember why you left in the first place?  At some point along the way you stopped communicating your needs effectively to each other.  And the chasm between you grew wider and wider.  One day you woke up and realized that this person you once knew and loved has been replaced by a stranger.  Relationships whether professional, personal or otherwise require maintenance.  If not they can wither and diminish.  As we grow older and mature, our needs change.  We may begin to develop outside interests, new friends or new hobbies.  Sometimes as a result of these changes we don’t include our significant other and this causes a breakdown in communication.  Before things reach that point, why not attempt to include our significant other be they our spouse, boyfriend, fiance or best friend in those new interests?

Unless you totally get off on sleeping on the couch, having Mr. Wiggly go on bread and water or Mr. Helmet-head not see ANY action for a while, here’s a survival guide to put you on the fast track to damage control with your significant other. Try and follow along because I am going to move quickly through this (sorry it’s the XL Dunkin Donuts light and sweet coffee from earlier). First and foremost women don’t go out with the intent of being difficult to understand or overly complicated. Perhaps our seeming complexity in truth comes from the fact that men and women communicate differently and assimilate information differently. Guys when we get with our girlfriends or talk on the phone or via email with them we are gonna discuss our relationship with you. Just as surely as most guys urinate standing up, enjoy sports and are drawn against their will to an opened hood on a car…..And the same reason why you catch hell if you try to isolate us from the aforementioned…LOL…Here’s the scenario. Your significant other early in the relationship told you about her bad experiences with the opposite sex specifically the two relationships immediately prior to hooking up with you. Not because she felt an overwhelming urge to share this information with you. But specifically because you have made certain statements or actions that give her flashbacks or remind her of those relationships. It is in fact her way of letting you know that: A) She has more quills or defense mechanisms as a result of emotional baggage to the point where she is more prickly than a porcupine, B) She has invested or is willing to invest enough into the relationship emotionally to address proactively potential negative triggers that may put a strain on an otherwise harmonious relationship based upon her assessment of its potential, or C) She is too forthright and honest for her own good. What follows may give insight into which category she falls into. If she utterly castigates you but uses phrases along the lines of I want to work this out and such, congrats…..she falls into Category B. If she switches gears from the castigation to a completely different topic like nothing happened, you’ve got a decision to make — Category C is emotionally vulnerable and sensitive because she is so open and honest. If you want to be a complete jerk, you dump her. If you love her or see her potential you will stick it out because you see her worth, her potential and you are patience enough to work past this particular quirk of hers. But…..If she falls into Category A…RUN FOREST RUN!!! You really CAN’T win with this person. Instead of letting your actions stand on their own or letting your mistakes be considered an isolated and unique anomaly, instead you are the scapegoat for every man who ever did her wrong. She’s not emotionally healthy enough to move forward…she may never be. She is so busy holding onto the tail of the dead carcass that is past relationships, it can’t rest in peace….It’s not even fully buried and released because she refuses to let go her disappointment, angst and victimization. Every time you make a blunder verbally or do something that upsets her you have a long litany of your faults and comparison to every other man she’s been with in a usually loud diatribe. If you continue on in this poisonous relationship realize that there is a VERY slim chance that you will assist her in the healing process. She is using this to emotionally manipulate you into acting the way she wants you to. Sad part is, that you might be the best thing for her since peanut butter and jelly but she won’t see it most of the time because she is too busy clinging to her anger, hurt and pain. Most of us like to optimize our chances, and would consider this relationship too high risk. Not saying that you should show a callous lack of regard for feelings as a fellow human being but sometimes this gal needs someone to hold up a mirror and force her to see herself as she truly is. If instead of being in denial and too wrapped up in the emotional maelstrom she won’t listen to reason, it’s time to walk away. She probably won’t notice you’re gone other than to complain bitterly to her girlfriends that you toyed with her emotion. Oh yes, it’s all YOUR fault and she takes no responsibility or accountability for her actions…she’s too busy being a victim, remember? Cry me a river for pete’s sake! Wake up and smell the coffee grounds! It’s past time to grow up, be a big girl and realize life goes on and we all have to accept responsibility for the choices good or bad that we make. Otherwise you get to be the embittered, angry woman that has in her future a rocking chair, millions of cats and thinks about what could have been…..

Ok, Ok, Ok…..In all truth I would have to be fair and state that most of us women fall into all three of those categories at any particular time giving the right combination of contributing factors……One clear truth rings forth like a bright beacon through all these words. We women get sick and tired of having to explaining why we are upset and how you can avoid it. It doesn’t serve the purpose if we tell you as opposed to you coming by the knowledge through your own means and working to resolve the issue as a genuine result of desire to resolve the conflict and prevent its recurrence in the future…as opposed to saying and doing whatever you feel will get you back into her good graces only to land yourself right back in the middle of the minefield, hot water because you spoke in manner that was inconsiderate and ill-advised…yet again…..If for no other reason than to keep her mouth shut, do yourself a favor and think carefully and QUICKLY to avoid this from happening too frequently. We’re not asking for perfection guys, only that you THINK and really make an effort to get to know us and our triggers…..

She is overweight and trying to lose weight. She asks if you find her sexy, desirable. You say: we both know you can look better but you are the woman I love. I’m ok with your weight as long as you don’t get any heavier. WRONG RESPONSE! Holy crap man you just entered the Hall of Fame for being insensitive, petty and shallow all at the same time. Trust me when I tell you that an apology for that infraction ain’t gonna get you out of the doghouse. You hurt her feelings, reinforced her feelings of negative body image and self-esteem and gave her a future thought to worry about? He only loves me if I am a certain size? Not unconditionally? That SUCKS! You deserve to be on the couch and in fact deserve the cold shoulder and silent treatment. She may tell you how she felt about it and forgive you but trust me this will come up again….and no matter how many sorries you say, you can’t call back what you said.

She says she is broke and needs you to repay her the money she paid out on your behalf as a favor to you ASAP…and then YOU say that it is only such and such an amount, what’s the big deal? In Webster’s Dictionary under the word Jerkosaurus is….YOUR picture…that’s right…..if there were such a word….you’ve committed the sin of being an unsympathetic insensitive clod yet again….(you’re really on a roll, aren’t you?)

She asks you a question that you either don’t want to answer or choose to ignore for whatever unfathomable reasons only you can possibly know. She then responds in the following manner: abruptly cuts your conversation short, asks why you ignored the question or ignores the fact that you ignored her question by asking it again in a different manner….

When it comes to psychological warfare, women can definitely write the book. And this is for one reason: they think more in depth than their male counterparts. Case in point: a couple is out together on a social excursion and they both notice a beautiful woman. He thinks ‘man she is hot! Legs up to her armpits got to be sporting at least double D’s and hair long enough to drape over both of them during sex…..’ She thinks she must be about a 36DD, 23-24 inch waist, beautiful long hair (though I can tell its a dye job though a very good one) and that dress is very flattering to her figure and coloring and…(OK, YOU GET THE IDEA)….they both noticed her…but one was a lot more in-depth than the other…

and its often that way when men and women communicate. something happens a man doesn’t want to talk for hours and hours…he wants the bare bones briefest version possible but with all the pertinent, critical details….on the other hand, the woman wants to know the background information and minute details and will theorize and analyze at great length. Hey face it, the key to a good relationship besides love and respect is GOOD COMMUNICATION. You and your significant other need to find a happy balance between your differing styles of processing and accepting information to promote happy, happy…joy, joy…..

Young and old, experienced or novice we have all at some point in our lives experienced emotional landmines. It’s that sticky situation you find yourself in where you are certain that no matter what you it’s going to make a volatile situation worse. Do we find ourselves in that situation because we are foolish or naive? No. We get into these types of messes because we are living life instead of standing on the sidelines living vicariously through others. When it comes to emotions, logic doesn’t play a part. Sometimes it truly IS a no win situation and you are going to lose simply because you are attempting to be rational and the other person is purely emotional. Good case in point, my fiance and I were having a conversation on yahoo im. I’ve had two children, one is 14 now and the other is 23 months old. Unlike the women out there who make the rest of us look bad because physically it looks like they’ve never had any children, I’ve got scars to prove it. Stretchmarks, the dreaded bulge right above where I had 2 emergency c-sections and some serious excess weight that was easy to shed the first time around when I was in my mid 20’s. Do I know for a fact that I need to lose 50 pounds? YES! Do I like what I see right now when I look in the mirror? NO! The double chin and bosom that is now flying at half-mast make me look away from full-length mirrors in distaste. So I ask him point blank: “Can you honestly say that you find me sexy as I am at this point, excess weight and all?” He pauses….Landmine #1 is dropped…then he replies “we both know you can look better, but you are the woman I love. I’m ok with your weight as long as you don’t get any heavier.” Landmines #2,3,4 and 5 are now in place. What was wrong with that conversation? And why are there now emotional landmines on the field? First off the pause after the question? If you have to think about your answer that seriously that tells me you’re trying to tell me what I want to hear — not the truth. Secondly when most of us think about love do we expect there to be a contract with fine print indicating the following:

• you cannot gain any weight
• you must keep your hair at a certain length
• you must dress a particular way

Hmm…that’s funny. I thought love was supposed to be unconditional and for who the person really is and not what you want and expect them to be. Say I develop a thyroid disorder or go on the Pill and it causes me to pack on the pounds (ladies I know you can relate to The Pill making you blow up). If I have a serious medical condition do I need or even want the added stress of worrying about if he’s shallow and gonna leave me over a few pounds or several pounds when it’s not entirely my fault? Men and women speak the same language but it means completely different things. He is saying in an indirect manner (to avoid conflict and hurt feelings) that he is unhappy with my weight and would like me to do something about it. So those first two explosions were due to his insensitivity and indirect approach. Could the landmines have been avoided? Of course. By answering yes. And then drawing upon the fact that he is supportive of me in my weight-loss goals because he wants us to grow old together, and knows it will improve my severe asthma and decrease the amount of pain in my joints. That would have been a smart answer particularly in light of the fact that he knows I am analytical by nature. The feelings of ill will could have easily been avoided by simply taking a few extra seconds after the positive response to think before he spoke (or actually in this case think before he typed any additional response). In addition to the ill feelings, if I address the specific offense it makes me appear petty and sensitive. If I don’t address it, he thinks everything is fine and dandy — when it nothing could be further from the truth. So you see at that point I have some emotional landmines of my own to navigate. How do I handle this so I don’t come across as being a complete shrew but at the same time let him know that for lack of a better way of putting it, he hurt my feelings? I chose Option A. Quite simply because I felt that he needed to know that he hurt my feelings. Of course for the rest of the evening he was apologetic but I was left with a dissatisfied feeling for the rest of the night. He didn’t come by the knowledge on his own. He was informed of the offense. This therefore means the likelihood of a similar incident occurring in the near future is highly probable. Emotional Landmine Tip #1: Pay enough attention to the conversation with a person whether online or in person so that you are able to discern what their communication style is and how they are likely to react in a given set of circumstances. Emotional Landmine Tip #2: Men get overwhelmed and tune out when given large quantities of information. Therefore keep it short and simple so gets the information and most importantly RETAINS it. Getting long-winded and going into a major tirade about his shortcomings is not going to make him receptive to what you have to say and in the end you feel more frustrated and upset than ever and the desired result has not been achieved. I have the fortune (or misfortune depending upon how you view things) of being both a woman AND an author. This means that some of my emails and letters to my friend read like a modern day version of War & Peace. In fact, on occasion I have prefaced the email with ‘you may want to make some coffee and microwave popcorn before you sit down to read this.’ Bottom line is that life is too short to sweat the small stuff or hold grudges. There is far too much to see and do. When someone does something that hurts your or offends you unintentionally write it in the sand — in other words don’t hold onto it, let it go. Bury it, and plant a tree on it. Women have an unfortunate habit of during an argument bringing up old offenses. It irritates them and makes us look petty and spiteful. Live and let live. And remind yourself next time that you can take some time to think about the reaction you choose to have to a comment….the relationship will be much healthier and happier for it.