emotionallandmines

Unless you totally get off on sleeping on the couch, having Mr. Wiggly go on bread and water or Mr. Helmet-head not see ANY action for a while, here’s a survival guide to put you on the fast track to damage control with your significant other. Try and follow along because I am going to move quickly through this (sorry it’s the XL Dunkin Donuts light and sweet coffee from earlier). First and foremost women don’t go out with the intent of being difficult to understand or overly complicated. Perhaps our seeming complexity in truth comes from the fact that men and women communicate differently and assimilate information differently. Guys when we get with our girlfriends or talk on the phone or via email with them we are gonna discuss our relationship with you. Just as surely as most guys urinate standing up, enjoy sports and are drawn against their will to an opened hood on a car…..And the same reason why you catch hell if you try to isolate us from the aforementioned…LOL…Here’s the scenario. Your significant other early in the relationship told you about her bad experiences with the opposite sex specifically the two relationships immediately prior to hooking up with you. Not because she felt an overwhelming urge to share this information with you. But specifically because you have made certain statements or actions that give her flashbacks or remind her of those relationships. It is in fact her way of letting you know that: A) She has more quills or defense mechanisms as a result of emotional baggage to the point where she is more prickly than a porcupine, B) She has invested or is willing to invest enough into the relationship emotionally to address proactively potential negative triggers that may put a strain on an otherwise harmonious relationship based upon her assessment of its potential, or C) She is too forthright and honest for her own good. What follows may give insight into which category she falls into. If she utterly castigates you but uses phrases along the lines of I want to work this out and such, congrats…..she falls into Category B. If she switches gears from the castigation to a completely different topic like nothing happened, you’ve got a decision to make — Category C is emotionally vulnerable and sensitive because she is so open and honest. If you want to be a complete jerk, you dump her. If you love her or see her potential you will stick it out because you see her worth, her potential and you are patience enough to work past this particular quirk of hers. But…..If she falls into Category A…RUN FOREST RUN!!! You really CAN’T win with this person. Instead of letting your actions stand on their own or letting your mistakes be considered an isolated and unique anomaly, instead you are the scapegoat for every man who ever did her wrong. She’s not emotionally healthy enough to move forward…she may never be. She is so busy holding onto the tail of the dead carcass that is past relationships, it can’t rest in peace….It’s not even fully buried and released because she refuses to let go her disappointment, angst and victimization. Every time you make a blunder verbally or do something that upsets her you have a long litany of your faults and comparison to every other man she’s been with in a usually loud diatribe. If you continue on in this poisonous relationship realize that there is a VERY slim chance that you will assist her in the healing process. She is using this to emotionally manipulate you into acting the way she wants you to. Sad part is, that you might be the best thing for her since peanut butter and jelly but she won’t see it most of the time because she is too busy clinging to her anger, hurt and pain. Most of us like to optimize our chances, and would consider this relationship too high risk. Not saying that you should show a callous lack of regard for feelings as a fellow human being but sometimes this gal needs someone to hold up a mirror and force her to see herself as she truly is. If instead of being in denial and too wrapped up in the emotional maelstrom she won’t listen to reason, it’s time to walk away. She probably won’t notice you’re gone other than to complain bitterly to her girlfriends that you toyed with her emotion. Oh yes, it’s all YOUR fault and she takes no responsibility or accountability for her actions…she’s too busy being a victim, remember? Cry me a river for pete’s sake! Wake up and smell the coffee grounds! It’s past time to grow up, be a big girl and realize life goes on and we all have to accept responsibility for the choices good or bad that we make. Otherwise you get to be the embittered, angry woman that has in her future a rocking chair, millions of cats and thinks about what could have been…..

Ok, Ok, Ok…..In all truth I would have to be fair and state that most of us women fall into all three of those categories at any particular time giving the right combination of contributing factors……One clear truth rings forth like a bright beacon through all these words. We women get sick and tired of having to explaining why we are upset and how you can avoid it. It doesn’t serve the purpose if we tell you as opposed to you coming by the knowledge through your own means and working to resolve the issue as a genuine result of desire to resolve the conflict and prevent its recurrence in the future…as opposed to saying and doing whatever you feel will get you back into her good graces only to land yourself right back in the middle of the minefield, hot water because you spoke in manner that was inconsiderate and ill-advised…yet again…..If for no other reason than to keep her mouth shut, do yourself a favor and think carefully and QUICKLY to avoid this from happening too frequently. We’re not asking for perfection guys, only that you THINK and really make an effort to get to know us and our triggers…..

She is overweight and trying to lose weight. She asks if you find her sexy, desirable. You say: we both know you can look better but you are the woman I love. I’m ok with your weight as long as you don’t get any heavier. WRONG RESPONSE! Holy crap man you just entered the Hall of Fame for being insensitive, petty and shallow all at the same time. Trust me when I tell you that an apology for that infraction ain’t gonna get you out of the doghouse. You hurt her feelings, reinforced her feelings of negative body image and self-esteem and gave her a future thought to worry about? He only loves me if I am a certain size? Not unconditionally? That SUCKS! You deserve to be on the couch and in fact deserve the cold shoulder and silent treatment. She may tell you how she felt about it and forgive you but trust me this will come up again….and no matter how many sorries you say, you can’t call back what you said.

She says she is broke and needs you to repay her the money she paid out on your behalf as a favor to you ASAP…and then YOU say that it is only such and such an amount, what’s the big deal? In Webster’s Dictionary under the word Jerkosaurus is….YOUR picture…that’s right…..if there were such a word….you’ve committed the sin of being an unsympathetic insensitive clod yet again….(you’re really on a roll, aren’t you?)

She asks you a question that you either don’t want to answer or choose to ignore for whatever unfathomable reasons only you can possibly know. She then responds in the following manner: abruptly cuts your conversation short, asks why you ignored the question or ignores the fact that you ignored her question by asking it again in a different manner….

When it comes to psychological warfare, women can definitely write the book. And this is for one reason: they think more in depth than their male counterparts. Case in point: a couple is out together on a social excursion and they both notice a beautiful woman. He thinks ‘man she is hot! Legs up to her armpits got to be sporting at least double D’s and hair long enough to drape over both of them during sex…..’ She thinks she must be about a 36DD, 23-24 inch waist, beautiful long hair (though I can tell its a dye job though a very good one) and that dress is very flattering to her figure and coloring and…(OK, YOU GET THE IDEA)….they both noticed her…but one was a lot more in-depth than the other…

and its often that way when men and women communicate. something happens a man doesn’t want to talk for hours and hours…he wants the bare bones briefest version possible but with all the pertinent, critical details….on the other hand, the woman wants to know the background information and minute details and will theorize and analyze at great length. Hey face it, the key to a good relationship besides love and respect is GOOD COMMUNICATION. You and your significant other need to find a happy balance between your differing styles of processing and accepting information to promote happy, happy…joy, joy…..

Young and old, experienced or novice we have all at some point in our lives experienced emotional landmines. It’s that sticky situation you find yourself in where you are certain that no matter what you it’s going to make a volatile situation worse. Do we find ourselves in that situation because we are foolish or naive? No. We get into these types of messes because we are living life instead of standing on the sidelines living vicariously through others. When it comes to emotions, logic doesn’t play a part. Sometimes it truly IS a no win situation and you are going to lose simply because you are attempting to be rational and the other person is purely emotional. Good case in point, my fiance and I were having a conversation on yahoo im. I’ve had two children, one is 14 now and the other is 23 months old. Unlike the women out there who make the rest of us look bad because physically it looks like they’ve never had any children, I’ve got scars to prove it. Stretchmarks, the dreaded bulge right above where I had 2 emergency c-sections and some serious excess weight that was easy to shed the first time around when I was in my mid 20’s. Do I know for a fact that I need to lose 50 pounds? YES! Do I like what I see right now when I look in the mirror? NO! The double chin and bosom that is now flying at half-mast make me look away from full-length mirrors in distaste. So I ask him point blank: “Can you honestly say that you find me sexy as I am at this point, excess weight and all?” He pauses….Landmine #1 is dropped…then he replies “we both know you can look better, but you are the woman I love. I’m ok with your weight as long as you don’t get any heavier.” Landmines #2,3,4 and 5 are now in place. What was wrong with that conversation? And why are there now emotional landmines on the field? First off the pause after the question? If you have to think about your answer that seriously that tells me you’re trying to tell me what I want to hear — not the truth. Secondly when most of us think about love do we expect there to be a contract with fine print indicating the following:

• you cannot gain any weight
• you must keep your hair at a certain length
• you must dress a particular way

Hmm…that’s funny. I thought love was supposed to be unconditional and for who the person really is and not what you want and expect them to be. Say I develop a thyroid disorder or go on the Pill and it causes me to pack on the pounds (ladies I know you can relate to The Pill making you blow up). If I have a serious medical condition do I need or even want the added stress of worrying about if he’s shallow and gonna leave me over a few pounds or several pounds when it’s not entirely my fault? Men and women speak the same language but it means completely different things. He is saying in an indirect manner (to avoid conflict and hurt feelings) that he is unhappy with my weight and would like me to do something about it. So those first two explosions were due to his insensitivity and indirect approach. Could the landmines have been avoided? Of course. By answering yes. And then drawing upon the fact that he is supportive of me in my weight-loss goals because he wants us to grow old together, and knows it will improve my severe asthma and decrease the amount of pain in my joints. That would have been a smart answer particularly in light of the fact that he knows I am analytical by nature. The feelings of ill will could have easily been avoided by simply taking a few extra seconds after the positive response to think before he spoke (or actually in this case think before he typed any additional response). In addition to the ill feelings, if I address the specific offense it makes me appear petty and sensitive. If I don’t address it, he thinks everything is fine and dandy — when it nothing could be further from the truth. So you see at that point I have some emotional landmines of my own to navigate. How do I handle this so I don’t come across as being a complete shrew but at the same time let him know that for lack of a better way of putting it, he hurt my feelings? I chose Option A. Quite simply because I felt that he needed to know that he hurt my feelings. Of course for the rest of the evening he was apologetic but I was left with a dissatisfied feeling for the rest of the night. He didn’t come by the knowledge on his own. He was informed of the offense. This therefore means the likelihood of a similar incident occurring in the near future is highly probable. Emotional Landmine Tip #1: Pay enough attention to the conversation with a person whether online or in person so that you are able to discern what their communication style is and how they are likely to react in a given set of circumstances. Emotional Landmine Tip #2: Men get overwhelmed and tune out when given large quantities of information. Therefore keep it short and simple so gets the information and most importantly RETAINS it. Getting long-winded and going into a major tirade about his shortcomings is not going to make him receptive to what you have to say and in the end you feel more frustrated and upset than ever and the desired result has not been achieved. I have the fortune (or misfortune depending upon how you view things) of being both a woman AND an author. This means that some of my emails and letters to my friend read like a modern day version of War & Peace. In fact, on occasion I have prefaced the email with ‘you may want to make some coffee and microwave popcorn before you sit down to read this.’ Bottom line is that life is too short to sweat the small stuff or hold grudges. There is far too much to see and do. When someone does something that hurts your or offends you unintentionally write it in the sand — in other words don’t hold onto it, let it go. Bury it, and plant a tree on it. Women have an unfortunate habit of during an argument bringing up old offenses. It irritates them and makes us look petty and spiteful. Live and let live. And remind yourself next time that you can take some time to think about the reaction you choose to have to a comment….the relationship will be much healthier and happier for it.