emotionallandmines

Young and old, experienced or novice we have all at some point in our lives experienced emotional landmines. It’s that sticky situation you find yourself in where you are certain that no matter what you it’s going to make a volatile situation worse. Do we find ourselves in that situation because we are foolish or naive? No. We get into these types of messes because we are living life instead of standing on the sidelines living vicariously through others. When it comes to emotions, logic doesn’t play a part. Sometimes it truly IS a no win situation and you are going to lose simply because you are attempting to be rational and the other person is purely emotional. Good case in point, my fiance and I were having a conversation on yahoo im. I’ve had two children, one is 14 now and the other is 23 months old. Unlike the women out there who make the rest of us look bad because physically it looks like they’ve never had any children, I’ve got scars to prove it. Stretchmarks, the dreaded bulge right above where I had 2 emergency c-sections and some serious excess weight that was easy to shed the first time around when I was in my mid 20’s. Do I know for a fact that I need to lose 50 pounds? YES! Do I like what I see right now when I look in the mirror? NO! The double chin and bosom that is now flying at half-mast make me look away from full-length mirrors in distaste. So I ask him point blank: “Can you honestly say that you find me sexy as I am at this point, excess weight and all?” He pauses….Landmine #1 is dropped…then he replies “we both know you can look better, but you are the woman I love. I’m ok with your weight as long as you don’t get any heavier.” Landmines #2,3,4 and 5 are now in place. What was wrong with that conversation? And why are there now emotional landmines on the field? First off the pause after the question? If you have to think about your answer that seriously that tells me you’re trying to tell me what I want to hear — not the truth. Secondly when most of us think about love do we expect there to be a contract with fine print indicating the following:

• you cannot gain any weight
• you must keep your hair at a certain length
• you must dress a particular way

Hmm…that’s funny. I thought love was supposed to be unconditional and for who the person really is and not what you want and expect them to be. Say I develop a thyroid disorder or go on the Pill and it causes me to pack on the pounds (ladies I know you can relate to The Pill making you blow up). If I have a serious medical condition do I need or even want the added stress of worrying about if he’s shallow and gonna leave me over a few pounds or several pounds when it’s not entirely my fault? Men and women speak the same language but it means completely different things. He is saying in an indirect manner (to avoid conflict and hurt feelings) that he is unhappy with my weight and would like me to do something about it. So those first two explosions were due to his insensitivity and indirect approach. Could the landmines have been avoided? Of course. By answering yes. And then drawing upon the fact that he is supportive of me in my weight-loss goals because he wants us to grow old together, and knows it will improve my severe asthma and decrease the amount of pain in my joints. That would have been a smart answer particularly in light of the fact that he knows I am analytical by nature. The feelings of ill will could have easily been avoided by simply taking a few extra seconds after the positive response to think before he spoke (or actually in this case think before he typed any additional response). In addition to the ill feelings, if I address the specific offense it makes me appear petty and sensitive. If I don’t address it, he thinks everything is fine and dandy — when it nothing could be further from the truth. So you see at that point I have some emotional landmines of my own to navigate. How do I handle this so I don’t come across as being a complete shrew but at the same time let him know that for lack of a better way of putting it, he hurt my feelings? I chose Option A. Quite simply because I felt that he needed to know that he hurt my feelings. Of course for the rest of the evening he was apologetic but I was left with a dissatisfied feeling for the rest of the night. He didn’t come by the knowledge on his own. He was informed of the offense. This therefore means the likelihood of a similar incident occurring in the near future is highly probable. Emotional Landmine Tip #1: Pay enough attention to the conversation with a person whether online or in person so that you are able to discern what their communication style is and how they are likely to react in a given set of circumstances. Emotional Landmine Tip #2: Men get overwhelmed and tune out when given large quantities of information. Therefore keep it short and simple so gets the information and most importantly RETAINS it. Getting long-winded and going into a major tirade about his shortcomings is not going to make him receptive to what you have to say and in the end you feel more frustrated and upset than ever and the desired result has not been achieved. I have the fortune (or misfortune depending upon how you view things) of being both a woman AND an author. This means that some of my emails and letters to my friend read like a modern day version of War & Peace. In fact, on occasion I have prefaced the email with ‘you may want to make some coffee and microwave popcorn before you sit down to read this.’ Bottom line is that life is too short to sweat the small stuff or hold grudges. There is far too much to see and do. When someone does something that hurts your or offends you unintentionally write it in the sand — in other words don’t hold onto it, let it go. Bury it, and plant a tree on it. Women have an unfortunate habit of during an argument bringing up old offenses. It irritates them and makes us look petty and spiteful. Live and let live. And remind yourself next time that you can take some time to think about the reaction you choose to have to a comment….the relationship will be much healthier and happier for it.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS