emotionallandmines

We all know them. It’s the friend who always seems to have something negative to say about whatever events happen in our lives. The relative that always swears you will be an “old maid sitting on the porch in a rocking chair with tons of cats because let’s face when women reach your age good men don’t exactly grow on trees or fall out of the sky, do they?” The controlling and manipulative significant other, that throws the adult version of a tantrum when you are doing something or saying something that is against what they believe is the ‘proper’ way.

You know the type. You’re having a conversation and you notice right away the focus seems to always be on them and you think to yourself “um hey, can I be something other than a fan here?” Their way is always better than anyone else’s. If you offer an opposing viewpoint you are verbally attacked and castigated. And yet they can’t understand why their relationships always seem to be dyfunctional.

Then there is the Perpetual Boy. He is old enough to be a man, but just having a pair of testicles and a penis or reaching a certain age are not what makes him a man. It is what his actions and choices are that identify him as a mature man or a grown boy. I don’t know about other women out there but I don’t buy into the raising a grown man bit. In fact I would go a step further and say “don’t step up if you can’t keep up.”

There is the Overly Critical Mother. No matter what triumphs you may enjoy during your life, she will manage to put a negative spin on it. You say: Hey! I lost 10 lbs! She says: Oh, just 10? You’ve got a long way to go then. You say: I met a nice man today and we are going to start going out. She says: If he likes YOU, he needs to have his head examine. You say: I’m looking for another job and have some great leads I came across. She says: That’s what is wrong with young people these days, everything is about convenience, what about fortituted and endurance? So it never fails no matter what you say, she is gonna attempt to shoot you down in flames. This is loving or emotionally healthy? No. If you aren’t strong enough you may have no self-esteem whatsoever and have all kinds of insecurities and second-guess yourself on life changing decisions…in other words an emotional basket-case.

There is the Overly Protective/Overly Attached Mother. This impacts both men and women. No woman is good enough for her son. She insists on cooking for him even after he is married or has moved into his own place. In the case of her daughter, she may cause her to doubt her own ability to make decisions. Bottom line is this: she needs to cut the umbilical cord! It’s unhealthy to be overly involved yourself in your child’s life. They can only reach a healthy emotional adulthood through learning from their own decisions and mistakes. If you circumvent this process you cripple them. Plain and simple.

The Parasite. Male or Female we have all at one point or another come across them. They drain you emotionally because you are the only one investing anything into the relationship. They are taking from you but giving nothing back. More than likely they will attempt to isolate you from family and friends, in other words your loved ones who can perhaps open your eyes to the true nature of this unhealthy relationship. They will talk a good game at first but after extended time in their company you begin to realize it was just talk. Depending upon how good an actor they are, you may stay in a relationship with this person long enough to have extensive damage done to your financial situation. And then they are out of your life, treating you the same as they would a used Kleenex and feeling no sense of remorse or shame whatsoever. I met just such an individual, and by exercising due diligence I discovered there were many before me and after me. I was one of the lucky ones. I had a good support system in the form of close-knit ties with my family and I also had 2 very good reasons for getting rid of him: my daughters. The not quite 2 year old he fathered while in the illegal marriage with me (yep bigamy) and we lived together as man and wife for a year. The best thing I can tell you is don’t ignore the signs. Particularly with women that gut feeling telling you something isn’t right and don’t trust them? LISTEN TO IT! It could literally save your life. It did for the girls and I. (As we speak I’m involved in an almost 2 year old legal battle to get this person locked up in prison,where they belong so that no other women and children out there are ever harmed again by him…..

The bottom line is this: relationships that focus on the negative and not the positive are poisonous. Whether it is a friend, relative, boss, co-worker, or someone we are involved in a romantic relationship with it simply isn’t healthy. Once you’ve had the scales removed from your eyes and realize the true nature of this relationship you have some decisions to make. First a series of questions helps to point us in the right direction: What are the pros of discontinuing this relationship, professionally or personally? What are the cons? If for example you have a personal relationship with someone you work with or worse still someone who holds a higher position than you at your place of employment this could mean professional suicide? Of course the fact that at the outset the maxim about not mixing business and pleasure never crossed your mind or that this was extremely ill-advised obviously never crossed your mind, although it should have! A distant relative you can limit your visits and communication with but only after you’ve addressed the issue head-on and seen that this person is still continuing on in the same vein. I haven’t returned to visit a relative I have in Alabama since I left there in 1998 because of her negativity and nasty comments. As for the friend as the old saying goes people come into your life for a reason, a season and a time. You may not know until the end which category they fall into. After you make them aware of how you feel if they continue on in the same vein, they are manifesting a selfish and unloving attitude. Life’s too short to be dragged down by the negativity of others. If they can’t or more importantly WON’T get their act together cut ‘em loose! And good riddance to bad rubbish.

We all have character flaws and things or ways about us that get on our loved ones nerves. But the nice thing about love is that it overlooks those things that irritate to the positive, attractive and appealing qualities. It takes an incredible amount of strength to tear oneself free of a poisonous relationship particularly one of long-standing. However you cannot be truly happy while remaining in that situation. It’s like a plant that doesn’t have sunlight and water — it can’t thrive and grow. In like manner, that poisonous relationship can prevent you from reaching your full potential or settling down with a good mate because instead of positive reinforcement and constructive criticism, you are getting a steady diet of derision, disdain and doubt.

So what can you look for to avoid them?
They can never be happy for anything good that happens in your life but have to say something negative.
You’re not happy in the relationship: it makes you feel tired and drained, rather than invigorated and appreciated. (and yes this even applies to professional relationships….a job that maybe doesn’t pay the best but allows you to be creative and appreciated can be more fulfilling and bring more joy than a huge salary where you are treated like a fixture….)
Beware of anyone who always says it’s always the other person’s fault their relationship didn’t work….they are not taking any accountability for their actions and should send up a huge red flag.